Fear is the little-death

I hate when people try to scare me in order to keep me “safe.” The problem with physical harm is how it can change me inside: from confident, inquiring, and venturesome to nervous, defensive, and uptight. Advice designed to prevent physical harm by making me frightened is exactly backwards. This is true in personal situations, and also with clickbait, sensationalist journalism, and social-media blitzes, on any topic where fear-mongering becomes prevalent. Which is a lot of topics.

In World War II Britain, it was considered treasonous to “spread alarm and despondency”–to make people any more afraid than they already were. This policy went too far when it meant suppressing factual news, but I’m completely on board with the idea that trying to make other people feel frightened is a form of sabotage. The reason I resent physical threats is because they scare me. Why would I be grateful for attempts to scare me into avoiding physical harm?

I am not arguing against sharing sensible advice: I’m all in favor of being smart and informed. I have ice-grippers for my shoes now. But real prudence is born of experience–whether personal or shared–not of emotion. Fear doesn’t create good sense; it makes good sense harder to access. Fear makes me psychologically unsafe, uptight, volatile, and therefore physically less safe as well. When I feel you’re shoving me towards fear, you feel like my enemy. I’m likely to get angry. I’ll be tempted to respond with defiance and recklessness.

And very often, whether the situation is interpersonal, national, or global, I will choose to turn elsewhere for news and advice.

Chemo’s Side Effect #1: Misdirected Fear

Ed and I spent his last weeks afraid of infection because of the lowered white blood cell count chemo causes: limiting visitors, limiting hugs and kisses and handshakes, forbidding children to visit. For the past two years we’d been a kind of “aunt and uncle” to a friend’s small child. Because he was on chemo, he never hugged little Maddy again, and the last time she ever saw him, she was scared to go near him because she’d been warned she might make him sick.

I spent my days in a state of vigilance, trying to protect him, staring alertly in the wrong direction for an enemy I didn’t know how to recognize. We made a trip to the emergency room, leading to an overnight hospital stay, because I thought he was running a temperature that might indicate an infection: a trip that was expensive, exhausting, upsetting, and cost him all the eleven pounds he had managed to regain after our initial hospital stay. And he didn’t have an infection after all.

What if he had had an infection?

Would it have made sense to fight against it like a tiger if that meant intervention cascading after brutal intervention, family shoved aside while the doctors desperately tried one more tactic to rescue a dying man from a quicker death?

We were afraid of the wrong things.